“Hi! Are you a gut-wrencher?”

“I am a doctor, if that’s what you mean?”

“Good, because I have a sword in my kidney!”

“And how did this come about, sir?”

“Well, I don’t know, really… It was just there!”

“Trust me, one tends to notice when somebody sticks a sword in you.”

“Quite! But I was rather intoxicated at the moment.”

“So, you’re telling me some fellow just came up and stabbed you in the back, and you can’t even recall when or, indeed, if it happened?”

“What do you mean ‘if’? It’s not like I stuck it in myse-! Oh. This is rather embarrassing…”

“Not to worry, sir. I won’t tell a soul about your unfortunate… uh… mishap.”

“So you say.”

“I’m a man of my word.”

“That’s what my old man said right before he knocked up his sister-in-law and ran off with my mother’s cousin!”

“Beg your pardon, sir, but I am not your father.”

“Right, right, of course… An esteemed gentleman, you are!”

“Let’s pry this sucker loose before you bleed to death, shall we?”

“Now, there’s a brilliant idea! It was starting to poke at my ribs…”

“I think it’d be best if you lay down on the table-”

“So I can’t run away when you start hacking me to pieces?”

“-so I can sedate you before I start pulling out your spine with my bare hands. Yes.”

“Just get it over with quickly, please. I’m getting married tomorrow, you know?”

“Then I believe congratulations are in order. Is she a good catch?”

“You could pluck emeralds from her eyes and die happily after just a kiss from her sweet lips… And the rack! If those aren’t the sweetest pair of pineapples on this earth, you can drench me custard and call me pie!”

“There we are, sir. All set! Sweet dreams now.”

“Whoa! Look at the pixies!”

“What colors are they?”

“Pink and blu- Oh, my God! The red pixie is paddling the purple pixie’s ass!”

“I think I used the wrong needle… Tell me when they start flying in circles and calling you Steve.”

“Will do, Doc! Are my veins supposed to be tingling like this?”

“Fuck it, I’ll just yanking it out…”

“Hey, I see stars!”

”Are they coming closer?”

“At the speed of light! Woo!”

“I’ll just stand back, then.”

“Running away, are we?”

“No, no, sir, I’m just ambling backwards… Great fun!”

“Why am I strapped down?”

“Because the drugs are wearing o-”

“Holy SHIT, that hurts!!!”

“Damn those cheap anesthetics… At least I got the blade out. Sat pretty deep, too!”

“I’d say! I got a hole the size of Kansas in my side! Are you gonna patch me up, or just stand there like a retarded hick who just found his other elbow?”

“I’ll get you a Band-Aid…”

“Chop-chop! These pints of blood won’t last forever.”

“Well, sir, I believe you’re good to go.”

“Spanky-dandy perfect; I live!”

“Great. Now, get the hell out of my office! I got golf practice in half an hour and traffic’s a bitch.”