Finding Grandma


Finding Grandma! Finding Grandma! Where has she gone?! Not under my pillow, not under my bed… Not even in my blasted drawers! Oh, woe is me! The pains and trials that I have to go through! When will it end? Where is Grandma? Oh! Here is her shoe. Where is the rest? Ah! There is an arm… and here is a finger! But where is the rest? Yes, where is the rest! I’d better ask Abel. Yes, he’ll know where she is, he always does! But where is good man Abel? Aw… you poor, thick head. It hurts to think. Yes, it does.

Bah! The fornicating skunk isn’t home! Abel is on… uhnnn… va-va… vaca… vacation! Yes, that’s it! I need a vacation… But first we must find Grandma! Where is she again? Oh, that’s right, I have her finger! With it I’ll seek and I shall find, of that I’m sure!

Hrm? Grandma is at Fell’s? What is she doin’ drinking at this wee hour? No, or, maybe… No, wait, it’s her teeth. Phew! Bless me pug nose, I’m a lucky lad today! She gets so grumpy when her parts slip away.

Oww! Blasted, stinkin’ finger! Bugger off! Find Grandma, I says! Don’t poke me tender ribs! I ought to eat you…

That’s it! Run, run, run!! Hah hah, I found the trace at last! Now Grandma will be back in time for supper. Ohhh, hungry… Come here finger, I won’t hurt you… much. Unnn, slippery bastard, her finger is! Guess I’ll gobble you up when Grandma I have entire.

Grandma, me dear old crone! Come! Sit down. Rest your ol’ knees and catch your breath. Yes, oh, yes! I’ve found you at last! The whole lot of you, to be precise. Why must you always fall apart on every occasion? It’s such toil to bring you back in one piece. But here you are, all well and sound. So, let’s rejoice, bring out the feast! Ham and duck, steak and tomatoes! All of my favorites, and some of yours, too!


The Baker Incident


Wakey wakey, Grandma! Time to get up! A big day today remember? You got to clean the house, bake the cake and strangle the cat! Don’t forget your knee; it’s under your bed somewhere I think.

Ahh! ‘Tis a wonderful morning, I tell you. Now get up, you decomposing hag! We need to go shopping! You used to love doing that. Well, before you started to fall apart and all that…

You’re done? Finally! Well, then, onwards! The city awaits our arrival with splendor and glamour! Sort of… Onwards!

Come on, Grandma, keep up! We’re almost there. The bakery is just around the corner.

Oh, what the hell is she doing now? Don’t strangle the bloody baker! The cake is not that expensive!

Gnnnh! Hold on, almost got it. Just hold your breath a little longer, good baker! Now, now, don’t turn blue, air is overrated, anyway.

Now stay here, damn it, while I go fetch the cake! Here’s your arm back. Don’t look at me like that, it just popped loose, I say! No, I don’t know who hit you over the head with that rolling pin…

Hrnn! Home at last!

Wow! Will you look at that cake, Grandma! Isn’t it beautiful? Ah, shut it! I paid for the damn thing, not you, you scabby old witch!

Now, clean the house and set the table, I’m off for some shut-eye. And don’t wake me up until the guests start arriving!


Park Yer Arse, It’s Party Time!


Bring out the ale, it’s me birthday! Woohoo!

No, Grandma! You do not put cyanide in the damn cake! Wait until after I’ve got me presents… Then we can loot the bodies.

Grandma! Why the hell did you invite the sheriff?! There won’t be a keg of ale left in the entire neighborhood when he’s through!

Bah! Why are all my relatives blessed with idiocy? Not one decent present! Alright, that’s it! Grandma, bring out the cake!

That’s it? What kind of sorry son’s of… Urnnh! This will barely cover the rent. Alright, Grandma, haul ass! Let’s get these bastards outta here!

That’s the last of ‘em? Good! Let’s get the cart down to the riverside. Can’t believe I’m finally rid of this rabble!

Here ye go, fishies! Enjoy! A life time supply of sucker meat! Carefully that you don’t choke on their stuck-up demeanor…

Ahh, ‘tis good to be home again. Hey, Grandma, what do you say? Want to invite the rest of the family over for Christmas? You could make a turkey…

(Note by self: Nothing like a good mass murder on one's birthday, eh?)